intimacy

Play as you read the following......

Do you remember being held by your mother as a child?  i  had completely forgot.  until one day when i was volunteering in a special needs orphange in India.  You see, in India they believe that if a child has a special needs issue then its a curse to the family.  Most of the time the child ends up in the street.

That is where I found myself for the month of december in 2011.  I  had no idea I would find such love in a place of such abandonment.

I grew up with really great intimacy.  I shared a womb for nine months....thats pretty intimate! and had very loving parents.  and i knew i was very very very loved by my maker.  But what about these kids?  How often do they get to fall asleep in someones arms?  They were created in God's image, but yet they often don't get to have human intimacy.

One of my favorite things to do at the special needs orphange was to just the children.  A few instances changed my heart forever.

One night, a fever was passing through the orphange and i remember just holding this little boy as he was sick, his face still beaming at me.  I felt like the most blessed person in the world that i could love on this child in this moment.  Just cradling him in my arms. No fear of sickness, like a mother would, to her own child.  In that moment, Jesus spoke to me, so many things into my heart.  About how i was just like that sick child.  And He was holding me.  And how i was his arms, his hands.  And about that intimacy that he longs to have with each and everyone of his children.  It's the reason we were created.  We were created for intimacy with our maker.  Every inch of our being was created for intimacy.

Another time, that changed my heart forever was with my favorite little boy.  He was born blind.  So he loved to be touched.  And has one of the most precious smiles and laughs that I have ever seen.  But sometimes he would just cry.  My favorite thing was to just hold him and let him fall asleep on me.  I thought, how often in his life does he get that?  While i held him, I had flash backs to being held as a child by my mother.  It was such a normal thing in my child hood, it didnt even stand out until that moment.

As I would hold this little boy, thinking that I was giving Him a gift.  He actually was giving me a gift.  Over the orphange speakers "intimacy" by  jonathan david hessler played.

Yah i was originally raised with very healthy intimacy but somewhere along the the way, certain life situations stole the purity of trustworthyness of intimacy from me.  I had shut a part of my heart off to intimacy.  My heart had gotten so hurt, it was tired of opening up. I had abused intimacy and intimacy had been abused in my life. I had a skewed view of intimacy.  But as i held this precious child that God had made, and listened to the words of how every part of my body was made for intimacy.  Intimacy with my creator, and with other people.  Healthy intimacy.  Pure intimacy.  As I held this child.  My father, my Creator, my Beloved, spoke HIS truth and started to realign what true pure intimacy is.

The enemy comes to steal kill and destroy.  He has stolen alot of these precious children and from me.  But OUR FATHER has come that WE may have LIFE and HAVE IT TO THE FULLEST.

I believe with all my heart that my sweet blind baby sees Jesus in a way that i never will till heaven.  And i saw life in those once abaondoned special needs children that is hard to find among the most "succuessful" of americans.  These children laugh every day, they love, and i believe in their childlike faith that they know a sort of intimacy that I am still learning. Now this is JUST me talking but i would pray every day that these children would see angels and see Jesus.  And sometimes I could even sense the angels in the rooms with the children.  And I definitely sensed the Spirit Of The Lord.  He loves these children way more than I possibly could, and after a year and a half, my heart still breaks because i miss them so much.  But thankfully, God's holding these children, He's their father, and He is constantly bringing people into their life to be HIS hands and arms and feet.  I was lucky enough to be one of those people....even just for a month.

you are my treasure

the other day, amongst a broken and discouraged heart, i crawled out of bed into the shower and decided to try to make the best of my horrible no good very bad week and meet up with some of my best friends.

As soon as i pulled on to our freeway, i saw a beauiful sunset.  and i'm one of those where my Jesus speaks to me through his creation...alot.  Every single sunset and sunrise tells me how madly in love He is with me.

So i see this sunset and Jesus simply sings to me (through a popular r&b song)

"you are my treasure, yah you you you. that is what you are...let me treasure you"

And so i did.  i let him sweep me away.  i gave him my heavy and discouraged heart and chose to walk in His love that night.  and i had one of the most joyful nights and FUN that i had in a very long time.  But i know that Jesus didn't ask for just that night.  but every day...to know that i AM his treasure and to let Him treasure me.  to walk out my day, like i am the KING OF THE UNIVERSE, the creator of the sunset, i am HIS TREASURE.

                  "you are my treasure...let me treasure you"

can my scars be beautiful?

i havnt been able to blog in over a year.  even typing and processing has been difficult.  but im ready to bite the bullet and just write.  and see what happens.  im not big on rules.  so who knows what will happen.

I had the most amazing life changing opportunity to travel the world for a year as a missionary. Although traveling the world was amazing, i came home with a leg that has three heinous scars on it.  I use to love my scars, because each one told a story.  But these, they are so ugly.  they make me not want to wear dresses to work, and try to cover them up in my bridesmaid dress.  they make me feel ugly and insecure.  imperfect.

sometimes i love getting to share the fun stories  behind each scar, but sometimes i just hate them.  somewhere deep down inside i truly think they are ugly.  sometimes i wonder if a guy could ever love my scars.  could they ever be beautiful?

well...through reading the book, Your Scars Are Beautiful to God by Sharon Jaynes, i am learning what insane beauty that there is to be found in a scar.

Just the other day on the drive to work, i felt into my mouth the three and half inch think scar that lines my tongue.  It still kind of hurts, its still in the process of healing, but i just smiled from my soul when i felt it.  It feels bumpy and looks ugly, but it represents so much to me.  It represents a tumor that ended up being benign.  but even more than that, a God that showed himself so so so insanely faithful.  My Father walked me through a cancer scare and loved me and showed himself to me in such a precious way that i would never ever want to trade that scar (and not having taste or being able to have hot stuff on half my tongue) for the world! That week of recovery after my surgery, the week where my wound hurt its most, and i had to clean it out constantly so that healing would not be prevented and infection wouldn't come.

That week was literally one of the best weeks of my entire year.  Granted, i was highly drugged, waited on hand and foot by my family and spoiled with love from my friends and a really cute boy asked me on a date!  But in was more than just that.  I felt like every single thing was my Father loving me. I literally felt so so so loved.  Yah my friends, my family but truly from my Maker, my Provider, my First Love, my Jehovah Rapha, My God Who Heals.

So in all of this, the Lords been teaching me in the last two years how beautiful my wounds and my scars are.  They aren't ugly.  They tell stories.  They tell my story.  I'm learning that i still have some wounds from my childhood that haven't scared over yet, that the father walks to walk me to healing.  And, I'm excited!!!! I've see God use my scars from the best to bring Him glory, and i've seen him walk me faithfully through healing.  I won't want to sit in my wounds.  I want to clean them out, watch them scar over, and proclaim the story that my Jehovah Rapha has to share! 

my treasure map

"let the redeemed of the Lord tell their story." 

psalms 107:2

i'm on a journey.

we are all on a journey.  each of us in a different season.  my journey is somewhat of a treasure hunt.  i would love to vomit out the meaning behind this blog and what not all right now but that is to come.

for now, i just feel like i need to blog about where God has me in this moment. in this season. of this journey.  i can feel that HE is moving. HE is working. HE has started something, and i get to follow him to that treasure.

honestly, i think the biggest that that i am going to learn along the way.  is that I AM his treasure.  and as i follow him on this adventure, he is going to reveal to me all the different treasures that my journey has accumulated.

but at the end of this journey,  I will not be anymore HIS precious precious treasure than i am right now.  but i do think ill see it more, ill uncover them, dust them off, walk them through fire and purify them and clean them out. and ill get to share it.  which is SUCH a treasure.

"Perhaps you have never thoughts of the wounds in your life as potential treasures.  I encourage you to dig a little deeper, push aside the dirt, and discover the jewels that lie beneath the surface.  Like sparkling diamonds, glistening rubies, and shimmering emeralds, our scars are beautiful to God."
- Sharon Jaymes