fear has no match

such deep grace, such everlasting love. there is no fear in love. still sitting in that one. its deep woooah.

a part of me is terrified by love but apart of me is so desperate for it and belives that there is no fear in it.  i see that I can trust you. Your so good to me.  Your so kind to unravel me. To bring me to the end of myself.  Fear has NO MATCH for your love. oh that makes me so happy. im happpy. thank you.

my transition from 2014 to 2015 song:

You've brought me to the end of myself

And this has been the longest road

Just when my hallelujah was tired

You gave me a new song

I'm letting go, I'm letting go

I'm letting go, [and] falling into You

I confess I still get scared sometimes

[but] perfect love comes rushing in

[and] all the lies that screamed inside go silent

The moment You begin

[and] I'm letting go, I'm letting go

I'm letting go, [and] falling into You

[repeat]

You remind me of things forgotten

You unwind me until I'm totally undone

And with Your arms around me

Fear was no match for Your love

And now You've won me

reality

truth is the best thing ever. 

arise

my new favorite song.  just found it tonight.  i think it might be my 2015 song.  jammed packed with goodness. truth. and expectancy. every line i just want to scream YESSSSS LORD YESSS!!!!!

In the process
In the waiting
You're making melodies over me
And your presence
is the promise
For I am a pilgrim on a journey

You will lift my head above the mighty waves
You are able to keep me from stumbling
And in my weakness
you are the strength that comes from within
Good shepherd of my soul
Take my hand and lead me on

You make my footsteps and my path secure
So walking on water is just the beginning
Cause my faith to arise, stand at attention
For You are calling me to greater things

Oh
how I love You
how I love You
You have not forsaken me
Oh
How I love You
how I love You
With you is where I want to be

I love you baby Jesus

There is something special and precious that i love about baby Jesus.  Part of it is his humanity.  If I have the perfection of Heaven, and was asked to go be a helpless baby to encounter this BROKEN, PAINFUL world. and have to FEEL it, have to get hurt, get messy, not just rush in and save the day.  If i was asked to do that, in order to save my Father's creation, his masterpieces, because we couldn't even keep it together for one generation. That is alot of love.

His humanity was real.  Jesus got attached to people, connected with people.   It always strikes me that although Jesus knew Lazarus was going to live, he still mourned, cried, wept.

Jesus was moved with compassion and anger.

But what was he like as a precious baby, a toddler.

The deep deep soul joy that my nieces and nephews give me is just so precious to me. To imagine getting to experience the Savior in that season of his life, must have been really special.

Did Mary know that her baby was going to die?  That she would watch him on the cross? I wonder what that would have been like.  The honor, the love, mixed with such sorrow.

Back to Heaven, Jesus chose to come and save me. To save you. That why I love Christmas.  I love remembering his humanity, that he was a baby once. And it took so much love and sacrifice just for the Father and Son to part, for the Son to leave Heaven and come to earth.

The choice to die, I am sure was a REALLLY hard one, but to leave heaven and live on earth, perfectly.  That's a pretty big deal too.

That is ALOT of love.

may this always be true

just like the desert needs the blessing of the rain 

i need you now...

oh living water

oh God my Savior

if i ever needed you...

I need you now. 

He is not finished

I may have cried through all of this....

if you need to be encouraged tonight, to hear truth and be reminded that not only are you not alone in your questions, in your pain tonight, but other people hear the screaming in their ear: abandoned, forsaken, its over, worthless. failure, unloveable. give up. I know i hear it. That's what the enemy wants you to think is truth...ITS NOT.

Oh but there's another voice, STATING: loved, redeemed, treasured. I am with you, I am for you, I have chosen you. It's not over, this is going somewhere!

"God gave me a baseball, I'm not finished with you, its not over, continue to abide in my love, live in my word, give me your heart and i will finish the story that i have started with your life, i love you, i am for you, i am with you!"

be encouraged. be reminded of TRUTH

take me apart

ruin me.
strip everything from me.
allure me into the wilderness.
take everything from me.
But please God don't leave me. Don't leave me as I am.  Even if takes these wounds, these hurts, this selfishness, this ugly, this surgery, even if it hurts soooooo bad. Please do it. Whatever it looks like to transform me into the woman YOU want me to be. Oh please don't give up.

I'm learning that the most loving thing that my Savior could be doing to me is allowing pain. At first I thought only a cruel God could do that.  But, if you have a tumor that was growing in you, attacking your vital organs, that was ruining your life.  That was literally killing you.  And the top surgeon in his field offered to cut this intruder from your body, to save your life? To give you the life you were intended to live, the life, you only dreamed of having. Would you say, "No, you cruel doctor!". What about when he is going over surgery with you and telling you that it is going to be painful, and the recovery will hurt, as your body heals.  Would you than scream at the doctor, "You are cruel"?

I doubt it. Then why scream at God?

I'm seeing how he IS the most skilled surgeon, that knows exactly what is growing in me, that is wrecking me, destroying my life, like a nasty tumor.  And if he were to leave me alone, eventually I would die.  Maybe not physically, but I would waste away.

But no, My God loves me too must to leave me alone.  He loves me enough to take my heart of stone, and replace it with a heart of flesh.  Oh it hurts so bad.

In someways I never realized how ugly I was. How deep rooted my tumor was. How fast I would fall back into security.

But also in this process.  I've never fully realized, how beautiful I was. How loved I am.  How insanely treasured I am.

So ya, the pain, its worth it.  He is the kindest, most loving surgeon I have ever encountered.  And not only that, but He is the Redeemer of my soul, and the pursuer of my heart. He is good. Always. Period.

Bob Sorge's words say it so perfect:
"Lord, do not leave me alone. I have got to know you, I have got to see you, I have got to have you and I want everything that you've got for me. Lord, do not leave me to myself.  Interrupt my life if you have to, test me if you have to, but come to me, visit me, reveal yourself to me."

He's Doing Something

listen. repeat. meditate. ask Him to show you His reality in your life. in your situation.

"You're still more than I need
You're enough for me
You're enough...." 

I come, God, I come
I return to the Lord
The one who’s broken
The one who’s torn me apart
You strike down to bind me up
You say you do it all in love
That I might know you in your suffering

Though you slay me
Yet I will praise you
Though you take from me
I will bless your name
Though you ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need

My heart and flesh may fail
The earth below give way
But with my eyes, with my eyes I’ll see the Lord
Lifted high on that day
Behold, the Lamb that was slain
And I’ll know every tear was worth it all

Though tonight I’m crying out
Let this cup pass from me now
You’re still more than I need
You’re enough for me
You’re enough for me

"Not only is all your affliction momentary, not only is all your affliction light in comparison to eternity and the glory there. But all of it is totally meaningful. Every millisecond of your pain, from the fallen nature or fallen man, every millisecond of your misery in the path of obedience is producing a peculiar glory you will get because of that.
I don’t care if it was cancer or criticism. I don’t care if it was slander or sickness. It wasn’t meaningless. It’s doing something! It’s not meaningless. Of course you can’t see what it’s doing. Don’t look to what is seen.
When your mom dies, when your kid dies, when you’ve got cancer at 40, when a car careens into the sidewalk and takes her out, don’t say, “That’s meaningless!” It’s not. It’s working for you an eternal weight of glory.
Therefore, therefore, do not lose heart. But take these truths and day by day focus on them. Preach them to yourself every morning. Get alone with God and preach his word into your mind until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for."

Story behind the song and words by Shane and Shane and John Piper can be found here 

2013

One of my best friends wrote a blog about the 13 things she learned in 2013.  So I have been pondering what I learned in 2013.

It has been a crazy rollercoaster of a year. Here are 14 thoughts about 2013!

1.  One of the most important things about my last year is solidifying my role as auntie to my insanely cute niece and nephew.  Since I was gone for the beginning of both of their lives, it took them awhile to figure out who I was.  But now, I forever have a place in their heart.  And there is nothing that melts my heart like hearing, "i love you more toooooo auntie dearest"

2. Say Yes To The Pain!  This year has been marked by alot of pain.  A huge surgery of my tumor (that was benign) and then alot of emotional pain.  Walking through abuse from when I was younger, betrayal, and unhealthy patterns.  I ran from that pain for a bit, which caused more pain.  But in the end, I walked through it, and it has changed my life for the good.  It was not an easy season to walk through, but I am so glad that I did.  I found such sweet treasures, that I get to share with others.

3. God takes the ugly scars of our life, that others put on us, or that we caused our self, and if we give them to him to clean out, he turns them into beautiful stories of redemption, that shine!!!!

4. I am insanely treasured.  I have always loved glitter and loved all things sparkle.  But this year I learned how much worth I have.  Why I have worth and how treasured I am.  Sounds cliche.  But when your soul truly starts to grasp it, its a game changer!!!!

5. I love drugs!!!! No but seriously, Anti depressants and anxiety medicine changed my life.  That along with counseling, and therapy and Jesus, brought hope back into my life that i had lost site of.  I am so thankful to Andrew for helping me get on meds and helping me realize how helpful they can be!!!!

6. My bird tattoo is beautiful.  Yep, for the longest time I hated it.  But, I love what it stands for.  I got it because it resembles my freedom.  That I have been set free, and all I have to do is walk out my freedom.  I was not created to be in a cage, noone was! Yah, I mess up, I run back into that cage from time to time, but i'ts something I am learning to walk out.  To live out every day.  Also i love to dance=)

7.  I have amazing friends.  thank you to all those people who stuck by me through the good bad and ugly this year.  We have had such special moments that i'll cherish forever.

8. Adventure awakens my spirit.  I love exploring new cities, meeting new people, I just love the big adventures and the small every day adventures.

9. Guard your heart.  It's crazy how the bible tells you to, and what do you know, its right! My heart is so precious and what i think about, dwell on, spend my time with, is where my heart will be. So I gotta be careful what I do with it.

10. KEEP YOUR LOVE ON!!!!!!!! I am reading this book this year called that.  It's all about loving no matter what.  It has changed my outlook on how i love others.  It's something I am still learning and still not perfected.

11.  Grace & Forgiveness.  This year I learned alot about grace and forgiveness.  And its blown my mind.  I learned that true forgiveness is not just letting something go, but it is acknowledging that a wrong was committed and their is real hurt, but then releasing that person and yourself from that hurt.  I had alot of anger this year and alot of forgiveness to do.  But the biggest person I got to forgive this year was me.  This year I learned how to give myself grace and to forgive myself.  And to accept Gods insane grace into my life.  I wrote myself a letter of forgiveness.  It took a long time or wrestling with this concept of forgiveness and asking God what true forgiveness looks like, but I finally wrote it.  And believe it!

12. I'm 28. I live with my parents, I'm single, I do not have a thriving career.  I do not have any boyfriend prospects.  But I am happier than I have ever been in my whole life.  God is moving and shaking and shifting things in the core of my being, getting me ready for something very very exciting, and in that, I'm still.  I'm content.


13.  Trust the process.  They kept telling me this at regroup or in therapy.  I can't tell you how much I cried this year, or laid in bed depressed, or wondered if there would ever be a point in my life when the pain just stopped.  Well, after years of unwrapping layers of grief, and months of serious therapy unwrapping life events and lies and truth and cause and event and how my beliefs effect my behavior.  After finally forgiving all of the people that have wronged me, and forgiving myself, and realizing how trully loved I am.  I realize that the process sucks, and hurts soooooooooooooooo bad.  But ITS WORTH IT!!!!!!!!!!! One of my favorite songs ever says, "its worth it brothers to loose your sin, did you know that you are dearly loved".  Don't get me wrong.  I still have my struggles, and my strong holds that I have to daily choose and remind myself of truth.  And I still fail (duh we all do). But I am learning.  And I love it....

14.  Every choice matters.  You have the ability to choose alot.  Decide the person you want to be, how you want your life to end up, and make daily choices to get you to that goal.  Choose your attitude, don't let circumstances or other people control you.

 I ended 2013 with a random road trip & started 2014 with a random last minute road trip.  Both of which, will greatly effecrt my next year!