A truth I dare tell

September 1st, 2015

{writers note: this was written for my future husband, not about any person specifically}


I miss you.

I don't often. Ever. Like to admit that fact. I put on an amazing smile and "grace" sidestepping. Telling myself  I don't even want a relationship. Maybe that's true. I don't want another relationship. I'm so over those.

I want you. 

I don't like to admit this, But I'm sure underlying somewhere I do, every day. I miss sharing my life with you. The ups and the downs. The joys and adventures. Yah, "I'm suppose" to be independent and perfectly happy without you. 

And for the most part I am. 

Then something triggers you. Like I wish I was rushing home from work to eat dinner with you and take Princeton on a walk. Or let's go on a weekend getaway over this weekend? Let's go horseback riding or drive up to Atlanta or to all the islands.  Chase dolphins or swim with manatees. 

I want to go on adventures with you and be boring with you. Spend evenings at luckys dreaming up dreams and paying bills.  Pulling weeds and biking through the sunset sky. 

I don't often sit and daydream of you and our life but sometimes I do.

In fact, I stopped thinking about you a long time ago. A balance  is good I think. Finding a happiness a "blessing" in not having you yet. Don't get me wrong I get to learn a lot in this season.  A lot. There is a tension I'm learning between eagerly waiting for you and joyously embracing this season of singleness. 

But ya I'll admit. Sometimes I down right just miss you. There I said it😍

Soooooooo see you soon? 

a ten year tribute

"its been a long day without you my friend
and ill tell you all about it when i see you again
we've come a long way since we begun....
ill tell you all about it when i see you again"

its been ten years since ive seen him. ten years ago my life was forever changed in a moment. you were my best friend, you showed me what love was, you taught me about true forgiveness, you gave me confidence to be me in such crucial years. i cant believe its been ten years. so much has changed, i've learned so much since youve been gone.  I had no idea all that I would go through. you would be proud.

"let the light guide your way
hold every memory as you go..."

"Damn, who knew?All the planes we flewGood things we've been throughThat I'll be standing right here talking to you'Bout another pathI know we loved to hit the road and laughBut something told me that it wouldn't lastHad to switch upLook at things different, see the bigger pictureThose were the days

Hard work forever pays....Now I see you in a better place"

"First you both go out your wayAnd the vibe is feeling strongAnd what's small turn to a friendshipA friendship turn to a bondAnd that bond will never be brokenAnd the love will never get lost"

imamermaid

we were never right. we werent suppose to be. but for a brief moment in time, you showed me a love. that i hadnt had in awhile, in the middle of insanity. you saw parts of my heart. you saw beauty. a potential and intelligence in my being.

there was a balance, an innocense, an adventure. a purity we found.

springs, gators, life, wine, deliciousness, surf & turf.

thank you.

nuf said.

grace now

ive been hiding

afraid ive let you down 

inside i doubt

that you could love me 

but in your eyes

there only...grace now

2014 i spent traveling the world doing "Beauty for Ashes" retreats.  Sharing my story or redemption & restoration.  One of the most humbling beautiful times.  Because as I shared my story every few weeks, I spoke truth over my life.  And watched the ugliest parts of my life, alot of ashes, get transformed into beautiful things.  i saw lives, changed. hearts mended, hope restored.  Because of what God did with my own hurts.


a few weeks ago i heard this song, "how can it be".  its about one of my favorite stories.  we shared it at every retreat.  its not my story, but could be.  its about a story of a woman who was caught in the very act of adultry.  she was stripped from privacy, and thrown into the street, probably barely wearing any clothes.  and according to the law, she was to be stoned.

humilitated. hurting. maybe feeling betrayed. in the moment she may have wanted to die.

Jesus, "just so happened", to be in the crowd that day, i think they may have brought her to him.

they were testing him. WHAT DO YOU WANT US TO DO????

Jesus knew the law. he knows everything. but what does he do?  in such an act of grace. he bends down, and writes in the sand.  no where do we find out what he wrote. the Holy Spirit doesnt waste a breath and for a reason decided not to tell us. because its not important.  he bends down, and distracts from the woman, takes the attention of her sin. when he stands again, im sure everyones trying to see what hes saying, probably distracted somewhat from the womans shame and states, "if you have no sin, come, be first to stone this woman."

the only one who could stone this woman was Jesus.

do you remember the woman who washed jesus feet with her expensive perfume. her ocupation was selling her body for sex. in that time a holy man would never let a woman touch them, much less a dirty woman.

and oh jesus let her tears and riches wash his dirty feet.

so fast forward 2000 years. its that time of year again, where we remeber what Jesus did.  we rember his grace, his love, we remeber Gods justice. trust. love. love love love. sacrifice.

i love this reminder.

i find how quickly i forget ALL he has done for me. i get caught up in my circumstances, in my failures. He has done SO MUCH, he is doing so much, and he not done yet. He is only getting started.

with you is where i want to be

your presence is the promise
i am a pilgrim on a journey
you make my paths secure
Good Shepard of my soul, take my hand...
and lead me on...

you make my food steps and my path secure...
so walking on water is just the beginning!
You cal my faith to arise and stand and attention
cause you are calling me to greater things

‪#‎changeishard‬ ‪#‎butnotalwaysbad‬ ‪#‎aprocess‬

tides.

you are not the God of bait and switch

you are the God that provides.

you are not the God is confusion. you are the God of clarity and direction.

You are the God of dreams, restoration & redemption. You are a God that i get to CHOOSE to trust.
You are a God that enables me to love those who have hurt me, forgive those who have betrayed me, lied to me. You are the God that forgives me for doing the same. The God that redeems my poor chooices, my God you are my God.

The God that says, leave the land that you know, the God that told Ruth to leave Moab and follow Ruth to a new land, the God that called Noah to build a ginormous boat when they had NEVER seen rain. to step off the land and into the sea, INTO A STORM. A RAGING STORM. in chaos for 40 days and 40 nights. He's the God that called  a virgin to carry a baby  by faith, and while 9 months pregnant to travel across the country...ON A DONKEY...

He's the God that told a mother to save her baby by putting him in a river....


The God that rescued his people...and as they fled their encaptors....it was a raging sea or captivity. and what does he do?!?!??! he SPLITS IT...so they can walk right through it.


He's the God that promised a generational line to an OLD man...and when he finally got an heir, asked Him to give him up.

He is the God of the impossible, the God that asks us to do crazy things, the God that writes beautiful, wild, love stories.

The God that asked a man to rescue and love a woman out of prostitution, over and over and over again.

He's a God that calls us to walk on water, to walk through water, to give him our promises, to give him our hopes, dreams, lay down our lives, He asks hard things. But oh he is faithful. he is so faithful.

So as I am in another crossroad of my life, and i hear the enemy whisper, "hes done it again, hes leaving you out to dry, hes abaondoing you, hes bait and switched you, just when you thought you could trust him...look what hes let happen"

I say no!!! I said, I will not be shaken! I know that Lord is ALWAYS with me. I will not be shaken, for His RIGHT beside me"

Trusting for clarity, direction, and provision in this upcoming changing season.

:How i love you, you have not forsaken me: with you is where i want to be:

doin what you do

trees.
painting.
bethel.
love.
pursuit.
thankfulness.
all in.
be.
your moving.
you speak.
i choose to praise you. 

he wants to take your burden and set you free

you are re-writing our historys

with your love

when we look back all we'll see

is your kindness, loving kindness

its the song your singing

its more powerful thank any fear tactic

i sing to the God of kidness


"be free to be you, any  place you feel oppressed, attaack, carrying a burden you shouldnt have to carry...just let it go. im declaring tonight to be free to be you. trust Him in this season ladies"

shine the light back on again, His name is Jesus! He died to free us....oh call oh Him, Jesus

He Speaks

Ruth, I see you. I love you. I'm doing something. Trust me. You are my beloved.

Don't Give Up...Ever!

“It's not about the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it” – C. S. Lewis

There was this moment this summer when I was on a hike. What started off as an exciting adventure filled day, ended up getting real.  A few hours in,  I was lost. I didn’t know how I got their. I was exhausted and had no measure of where the end was. No idea if I would make it back to our camp site safely by dark.

Finally, at one point I sat down in tears. I felt misunderstood, lost, scared, exhausted… At that point I had a choice.  I remember so vividly sitting on grass and rocks, the sun setting, and God and I going back and forth. I had to choose  to continue or give up.  Giving up would indeed, leave me in the middle of the mountains, cold, dark, and not safe. But going forward, even in the unknown, even when I felt like I had no strength to go on, felt scarier.  I remember at this time it wasn’t just a physical choice, it was an emotional and spiritual choice.  A part of me was more terrified to continue on the journey that God was asking me to go on in my life, then spend the night in the woods. 

As the enemy screamed His lies at me, "GIVE UP, IT'S TOO HARD, IT'S NOT WORTH IT, YOU WILL BE ABANDONED", I grabbed a small rock, got up and chose to walk. With tears streaming down my face, and a voice that couldn’t vocalize what was going on inside, I squeezed my rock. My rock of hope, of strength, of faith. Knowing I was not alone.  Knowing it wouldn’t be easy but I would make it. Knowing that I had just made a much bigger decision than standing up and finishing the hike set before me.

“You split the seas so I can walk right through it. I am  a child of God. 

No longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God”

I’ll never forget when he spoke to my heart and ,He said, “follow me” , I couldn’t see what was ahead because I was being blinded by the setting sun.  I had no idea where I was going, but was following the one that was leading me. 

Last night, I found a magnet from that hike. God reminded me of that day. Once again I feel like I'm their, lost on a mountain, mid hike, with a setting sun. I feel lost, so exhausted and alone, and I want to give up and let the wolves eat me. I don’t know why I am here, or where I am going, but I do know that I have a choice. Sit down, throw a tantrum and listen to lies....OR

“Get up and walk...your faith has healed you“

Or get up, and believe that walking on water is just the beginning. Believe that He's giving me hinds feet for high places.  Believe that HE WILL finish what He has started.  He will not leave me, He will take me by the hand. I can trust Him and HE IS good. 

I finished that hike.  Faster, more determined, worshipping on the inside...but stubborn and hard on the outside. Still not knowing how to express my vulnerability and emotional and spiritual battle.

This time, I’m choosing again. To get up, and follow Him, to listen to His voice alone, and to let people walk with me. To open up about my emotional and spiritual battle, let people fight along side me, unite with others, instead of isolating myself.

Today I am choosing not to give up. Never give up. Abraham waited 25 years. I will too...

“We trust in our God and through His unfailing Love – we will not be shaken. “

does he see my tears?

I wish you could go on a drive with my nephew and me. The entire time, you would be hearing, SCREAMING!!!!!!!

Do you know how heart breaking it is to be driving for ANY amount of time next to a SCREAMING baby tears streaming down his face and he's locked eyes on mine.  It absolutely breaks my heart. 

It made me think. Sometimes I have to wonder, when my heart is breaking, when my heart is hurting, when im screaming in my car seat. Does God care? Does it hurt his heart? Does he hold me, knowing that I need to walk through this specific situation, and maybe one day ill understand?

Tonight as my hearts breaking watching my nephew scream, my Abba spoke to my heart.  

"Ruth, my daughter, as much as you love your nephew and it hurts your heart to see Him cry, I love you so much more. I love you in a way you are only beginning to understand. I see your tears, I see your pain, it hurts my heart, but just like you know he has to sit in that car seat, and you understand the bigger picture.  I see the bigger picture.  I see the end of the road. I see the end of this painful ride. You are learning something. You are not alone, I'm here, I see you, I love you." 

Man this baby.... 

shame

shame sucks. shame has been a companion i have let walk with me for years. Seeing God use my "worst stories and mistakes" and kick shame out of my life was one of the most beautiful things to walk out. 

shame again has become a companion that just likes to hang over me, and i let it. every day, theres something....

"shame is an epidemic in our culture, and to get out from undernearth it to find our way back to each other we have to understand how it effects us...the way we are looking at each other...We have to know empathy...The two most powerful words when we are in struggle...me too."

the other woman

When life has cut too deep and left you hurting

The future you had hoped for is now burning

And the dreams you held so tight lost their meaning

And you don't if you'll ever find the healing

You're gonna make it

You're gonna make it

And the night can only last for so long

Whatever you're facing

If your heart is breaking

There's a promise for the ones who just hold on

Lift up your eyes and see

And the sun is rising

And the sun is rising

Sun is rising

And the sun is rising

Every high and every low you're gonna go through

You don't have to be afraid I am with you (I am with you)

In the moments you're so weak you feel like stopping

Let the hope you have light the road you're walking

You're gonna make it

You're gonna make it

The night can only last for so long

Whatever you're facing

If your heart is breaking

There's a promise for the ones who just hold on

Lift up your eyes and see

The sun is rising

And even when you can't imagine how

How you're ever gonna find your way out

Even when you're drabbling in your doubt

Just look beyond the clouds

The sun is rising

The sun is rising

Just look beyond the clouds

The sun is rising

The sun is rising

Whatever you're facing

If your heart is breaking

There's a promise for the ones who just hold on

Lift up your eyes and see

The sun is rising

The sun is rising

The sun is rising yeah

The sun is rising ooh oh

Yeah yeah

Even when you can't imagine how

How you're ever gonna find your way out

Even when you're drabbling in your doubt

Just look beyond the clouds

Even when you can't imagine how

How you're ever gonna find your way out

Even when you're drabbling in your doubt

Just look beyond the clouds

Read more: Britt Nicole - Sun Is Rising Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

judah andrew manning

how can you not fall IN LOVE with that face?!??!!? 

'

God has been doing so much in my heart through this baby. What an honor to be his auntie. So thankful that God uses the purity, innocence, dependence and curiosity of a child and his parents (and aunties) love to teach me about myself and how loved I am by my Father.

He brings so much joy to my heart. I miss him when He is sleeping, when I haven't been near him in just hours. I want to cry when his tear stained eyes are staring into mine while he has been crying for 45 minutes in the car and doesn't understand why we are making Him sit in a car seat that He is not use to. He feels trapped. But its out of love, safety, security, necessity.  

I watch both of his parents, with so much love, try to "pin" him down to clean out his nose of all the sickness that is making him feel terrible.  But all the while he is fighting it, and screaming.  Yet, he does not realize yet that, once his nose is cleaned out, he feels so much better. And smiles again.  I see with love how his parents let Him cry, push through his rebellion, for his own good, for his own health.  Because THAT is the MOST LOVING thing to do.  

I watch as he is starting to pull himself up on couches and tables, how proud He is of himself, and how his parents clap and smile in excitement for him.  

I have heard my sister say over and over and over again, how perfect he is, how beautiful he is, how she is the luckiest to be his mother. She is willing to sacrifice sleep, her favorite foods, sanity, vanity, and her own body for this baby.  I have heard my brother is law express his love towards His son, not just through words but so many actions.  But most of all, i see it in their face.  The way they look at their son, it can't be hidden. Its a light on a hill that can't go out. Sound familiar? 

I see all of this and i keep hearing, "You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you." The Lover of my soul has been speaking this verse over me every Thursday at soaking prayer since I moved to Gainesville. And their is a part of me that believes it, but really doesn't understand it. 

But God is so good. He has let me watch the reality of this, and this truth sinks into my heart. Yeah I am still a mess, I still have wounds, I still mess up. I still break my fathers heart. I still rebel, run, and question this "cleaning up" is most loving. But I am not an infant anymore. I know somewhere in this heart and mind and soul that, He is SO good. and He believes what He says and He means it. Oh and he loves me so much. Like soooooo much. So much that it makes my soul want to jump out of my skin and SCREAM!!!!! It's so unbelievable. But then again, I want to go wake up my nephew in the next room and snuggle him just to see that beautiful face, just to spend time with Him.

And my Abba feels even more about me. Can't wait for this to keep sinking in deep deep deep deep. It's wiping away shame, its casting out lies, its releasing ME, to be ME. The one who he created me to be. I am so loved. You are so loved. 

It is crazy to me how much healing I have seen God bring through babies, but then i remember.  Jesus came as a baby.  God works in mysterious ways. Beautiful, beautiful ways. 

if grace is an ocean we're all sinking

"you drown my fears in perfect love" woah. meditate on that one for a bit...."i am no longer a slaver to fear I am a child of God" amen amen amen.

reminds me of july 4th 2011 when the same worship leader Jonathan David Helser was leading at my training camp for the World Race. During that time my Abba showed me that I was free from the insane fear that haunted me for years. I felt trapped in this debilitating cage, but in reality the door was open and my Abba showed me how to fly out. I have been walking out that freedom ever since. And now, after more layers of different kinds of fear are being unearthed, I have confidence, because he has freed me before and it's in His character for me to walk in HIS freedom and love. I am no longer a slave to fear. I am a child of God!

epicness

Verse 1

D 

Your love is devoted  

Em 

like a ring of solid gold  

G 

                                

 

Like a vow that is tested  

F#m 

like a  

A 

covenant of old                         

D 

Your love is enduring  

Em 

through the winter rain  

G 

 

And beyond the horizon with  

F#m 

mercy 

 

 

A 

for 

 

today

Pre-Chorus

G 

Faithful You have been  

D 

and faithful you will be

A 

 

You pledge yourself to me  

Em 

and it’s why I sing

Chorus                     

 

Your  

G 

praise will ever be on my lips,  

D 

ever be on my lips          

 

Your  

Bm 

praise will ever be on my lips,  

A 

ever be on my lips

Verse 2

You Father the orphan

Your kindness makes us whole

You shoulder our weakness

And Your strength becomes our own

You’re making me like you

Clothing me in white

Bringing beauty from ashes

For You will have Your bride

Pre-Chorus

Free of all her guilt and rid of all her shame

And known by her true name and it’s why I sing

Bridge

D 

You will be praised You will be  

A 

praised

Bm 

With angels and saints we sing worthy are You

G 

Lord 

 

 

D 

You will be praised You will be praised

Em 

Bm 

With angels and saints we sing worthy are  

G 

You Lord 

steady grace

precious moments with judah & jesus

as i held him. you held me. spoke into my soul the depth of how loved i am.

our special moment just  Me, Jesus & Judah

hands

the same hands that created me, molded me, knit me together in the womb, those same hands bind up, heal, protect, hold my broken heart and all my wounds.

I am tired...I am weak

i am frustrated with God, worn out, tired, weak, clouded, confused and hurt, i feel myself drowning....In the storm I have learned how to stay a float, i want to rage with the waves and scream. Why??!?!?!!?!? What are you doing?!?!??! Do I have the strength??? (i dont. God does). 

But then you show up, Abba you show up....and you change everything...everything makes sense in you. Because nothing satisfies me soul like you. So soul, stop growing cold. align with your Redeemer. 

The wind and waves surround me
And I'm tossed, Feel like I'm drowning
I am tired, I am weak
I need you here with me
'Cause I can feel the rising tide
But I don't have the strength to fight
I feel clouded and confused
I need you here with me

In the chaos of the storm
I have drifted far; far away
But I call out your name
'Cause you are just a breath
A breath away

Then through the shadows
Your light appears
I've known you're with me
But now it is clear
I can feel you
Jesus All around

Like sun on my skin
Warm to the touch
Here you surround me
I am held by love
I can feel you
Jesus all around

Now hope is rushing through my veins
With everything you've rearranged
I am peaceful; I am brave
When you're here with me

All my questions find their answers here
When you come you change the atmosphere
I am focused; I am clear
When you're here with me

There is nothing in this world
That will satisfy my soul like you do 

Then through the shadows
You're light appears
I've known you're with me
But now its is clear
I can feel you
Jesus all around
Like sun on my skin
Warm to the touch
Here you surround me
I am held by love
I can feel you
Jesus all around

Though the storm it rages
I won't be moved
I won't be shaken
I'm anchored in you
I can feel you
Jesus all around