the tension

Life is confusing. It's full of so much joy and love and such depths and pain and suffering which brings confusion and doubt. The hardest thing I have been walking through this last year is fear. Fear can be so inabilitating. 

I was loved so well by a man who taught
Me what it looks like for a humans love to cast out fear and to have love and confidence. There was a sense of safety and freedom!!!! As much as a broken human could. It was human and imperfect. 

I still got hurt by him and I hurt him. Some of those wounds, I still am walking through healing from. But I'm thankful for what I learned in those years and the years since. When you loose a person you love. There is a a gap that can get filled with ALOT of fear, hate, closed off ness, OR you can wrestled with God and let him fill that gap with his LOVE that cast out ALL fear, rejection, striving. Having confidence that all pain in active surrender has purpose and all things are working for the good. 

In the 11 years since my first love died, I have had longggg seasons where fear won over and years of victory where I trusted in the goodness of God, the insane beauty that comes from ashes, that there is SOOOOOO much truth that EVERY suffering in surrendered obedience IS DOING SOMETHING. I've seen God use my stories of redemption allllll over the world to release HIS freedom. He astonishes me when I sit back and reflect. He's so good, my good good Father. 

Even 11 years later at 31, I'm still not married, I don't like to admit this But yah there are moments, I have to fight the temptation that anyone will ever love me unconditionally again. That I'll have a family. And so many other thoughts. 

BUT....BUT... I choose to believe that my God is good. And he's working his goodness in me. And I don't always choose to obey but oh my spirit wants to. He will finish what he has stated and he is working out my fear with such kindness. 

HE IS SHOWING ME A LOVE THAT I HAVE NEVER KNOWN BEFORE. And I have a hunch, that it is only the iceberg. 

So where ever you are at today. I urge you to take some time to reflect on what God is doing. 

He's always doing something & it's always good.